You Might Be Part of the Problem (And That’s Okay)

Conflict is rarely black and white. It’s uncommon for one person to be entirely the villain and the other the victim.

Most conflicts are layered with multiple perspectives, histories, and emotional truths.

Still, many of us - myself included - tend to default to seeing ourselves as the one who’s been wronged. If we feel hurt, misunderstood, or dismissed, we assume someone else is to blame.

And while our feelings are real and valid, our feelings don’t always tell the whole story.

May time, we play a bigger role than we’re willing to admit in our conflicts. That doesn’t mean our pain isn’t legitimate. It means we also need to take an honest look at our part in what went wrong.

When we’re hurt, it can be hard to self-reflect. Instead, we lean on defense mechanisms. These are automatic mental responses meant to protect us from the painful thought: “Maybe I contributed to this.”

You might become defensive, deflect responsibility, rationalize your behavior, or shut down. All of these are ways your brain tries to protect you from the fear that you might be the problem.

That fear is universal- and understandable. I

t’s far more comfortable to believe someone else caused the damage.

But sometimes, the harder truth is also the more accurate one: we may have played a role.

And while that realization is uncomfortable, it’s also empowering.

Because if you’re part of the problem, you can be part of the solution. If something about your thinking, behavior, or communication contributed to the situation, then that’s something you can address, shift, and grow through.

When you allow your mind to consider that the discomfort you feel might feel about being the problem might be blocking you from taking accountability- you gain clarity. Relationships become less polarized. You loosen your grip on the victim narrative. You make space for real growth.

We don’t need a distorted version of ourselves or others to feel okay. We need understanding, empathy, truth, and self awareness. And self awareness about the good and the bad- though often uncomfortable- is the foundation for change.  

Owning your part is one of the most powerful tools for change. It’s not about blame. It’s about freedom.

Blog by: Anna Mills, LMSW

Supervised by: Haleigh Culverhouse, LCSW-S