A Letter to You.

therapy

May 30

This is a letter to you from me, a fellow recovering perfectionist. If you are not quite yet labeling yourself as “in recovery”, that is okay. This is especially for you.

Dear Perfectionist,

I was thinking about you today and the funny thing is…

I was not thinking about your achievements or how you show up for the world to see. I was thinking about the overwhelming responsibility you feel. The pressure to perform. The belief that in order to be good + loved + valuable, you must first earn something or prove something.

Right right right right right. This is the part where your logic brain says “Yes, but also I know that is silly” and your heart argues “but I can’t turn it off”… Right?

I have to tell you the truth…

The pressure to perform is robbing you of the ability to experience your life.

The good news is that you do not have to stay in that patter of belief. In fact, I am on the other side of that belief (a lot of the time, but not always) and it is really peaceful on this side of it. Let me tell you what is different.

I decided that I am allowed to quit.

I always believed that if I started, I had to finish it. And it stuck. The truth is, I did not even know what it actually meant to “see it through” and the default was to literally stick with it until it was over. I found myself trapped in cycles of misery in my relationships, jobs, lifestyle, and even my own hobbies.

When I redefined “seeing it through” I realized that I was allowed - NO - I owed it to myself to see it through for me. Not out of obligation or responsibility. I should take life’s curriculum and learn what was for me to learn and then move on.

This realization gave me the clarity to reassess the areas in my life that were incompatible. That did not mean toxic, but it meant that I could simplify if I wanted to. And I did. It felt good.

I had to tell myself “perfection is not real”

and for a really long time it felt like a big fat lie.

Perfection felt safe, oddly enough. If I was perfect, I was worthy of love and acceptance. If I was striving for perfection (with no mistakes along the way), I was doing what was expected of me. Good grades in school were the expectation. Going to every practice regardless of how much bandwidth I had was my commitment. Achieving and pursuing more and more and more was the pathway. But when lessons popped up along the way, I labeled myself as a total failure. Like literally. Any good that came before was wiped out and any hope for good to come was squashed.

Perfection was a little prison I created for myself. The crime was being human and the punishment was a lifetime trapped in the belief that my human being-ness was a curse. I had to “work on” the things that were challenging and “do better” next time.

And then I tried to hold those I love most to the same standards and that experience felt criminal in a different way. I could not say the inner critic part out loud because I did not believe it for my loved ones and it just felt so gross and mean.

“Oh shit.” Yep. That cleared it right up.

But I am different. I have to hold myself to a higher standard.

“But why? Why are you more special? Why do you deserve the hamster wheel of perfection?”

I don’t. And neither do you.

The human experience is meant to be messy. Choosing to embrace the messiness of it all over the pursuit to perfection allowed for three things to become central to my life:

humor - it’s not so serious, in fact, it’s funny how serious I thought it was
grace - I can try again and my messes can be cleaned up
compassion - for myself and for others in their human being-ness

Plus perfection literally was my addiction.

It was a pursuit of peace that I would never find. The chasing of perfection is constant labor and perfection itself is not even real.

I had to accept the village lifestyle.

“It takes a village”

But what if you are the village for everyone else but never accept the village’s attempts to be there for you? Or the people around you are not willing/able to meet your needs so you do not even ask?

That would make you a nomadic being that just visits many villages, does your work, and then moves on to the next. Never pausing or enjoying the benefits of belonging.

In the pursuit of perfection, I totally neglected my own needs to appear like I had it all together and would go as far as “perfectly” showing up for others. One day I needed support and no one was able to show up for me the way I wanted or needed. I felt isolated, alone, and dramatic. I stopped asking or expecting people to show up but continued to show up for everyone else. It was a part of my mask… and my addiction. My quick trick to avoid the discomfort that comes with disappointment.

But the vulnerable work that I had to do was trusting. Getting specific. Letting the guard down because it could be put back up later if it needed to be but I could not do it all alone anymore.

The village was finally for me too. I could benefit from belonging, but I had to risk the hurt in the process. I would not be a good villager if I was not also receiving the loving kindness of those around me. I would not be in genuine relationship - I would be alone.

Here is the part where we talk about you.

You may not believe it yet, but you are worth far more than perfection. You deserve a life focused on intentional connection, experiencing the mess and allowing it to guide you, and the healing that will mark more than just your life.

Your journey through this recovery is just that - a process of recovery.

Acknowledging the ways perfection has held you captive. Giving language to the unfairness of that. Reevaluating what you actually value. Learning to accept the messiness and embrace that human story you get to write.

May you allow this blessing to sink deep into your being:

May the burden of feeling the pressure to perform begin to lighten.

May you find peace in the things left undone or mistakes made as they are evidence that you are trying.

May you find solace in the belief that existence requires messiness and that messes can always be cleaned... later.

May you shift your gaze from “not enough” or “too much” to exactly as I should be.

When acceptance feels hard, may you find the gentleness to trust that the learning you are doing will heal generations beyond you.

When you catch yourself measuring your worth against what “should” be, may you find the courage to push back and measure instead by presence, kindness, and laughter.

And when you find yourself stuck in the old patterns, may you wrap yourself in compassion and choose to feel proud that you see it more clearly now.

May you believe that this does apply to you and that there is no earning needed.

You are complete. You are worthy. You are human. You are enough.

Now got back to the top of this letter . Try reading it one more time but from the perspective of your 100-year old self. Imagine your wise inner self is sharing this with you as advice learned.

How does that feel?

Haleigh Culverhouse LCSW

Welcome!

My name is Haleigh, and I'm a Licensed Clinical Social Worker based in Lake Jackson, Texas. My private practice is a safe and inclusive place for all. Whether you need to process an issue significantly impacting your life or explore more of your personality and who you are - you belong here.

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