Why Am I Here….. Again?

Jul 18

Maybe it sounds something like this:

“Soooo… I got back with my ex this weekend…”

“I said I am sorry when I didn’t even mean it again”

“Well, I had the biggest crash out for the 5th time this month.”

Yeah, that is super human of you. Finding yourself in patterns that have probably been developing from toddlerhood. And I will be the first to tell you…

Your tired, worn out, toxic cycle is a really good thing.

Ahhhh. Scared ya? Hang in here with me.

Imagine you are making a dish from your childhood that just gives nostalgia. As you have grown up, you realize how unhinged the dish actually is and have started to modify it. It still holds the comfort of childhood but with the sophistication of your ever-evolving taste buds.

This is similar. When we find ourselves in patters, it tells us two BIG things: that we feel safe in this pattern AND that our unconscious mind is trying to test something.

We Feel Safe In This Pattern…

Some things are just muscle memory at this point. We have functioned one way for so long that to function any other way feels weird and out of character.

For example…

If you grew up in a family where shouting was the most effective way to get your point across, that may become the default for how you do conflict ESPECIALLY when you are feeling unheard and dismissed.
If you were taught to believe “If I start something, I have to finish it”, you may find yourself feeling stuck in environments that simply do not suit you. You may find it absolutely excruciating to say “no”, leave unhealthy relationships, or shift your priorities.
If you believe that you have no control over your emotions, you may find high emotionality the norm for you. It’s as if the emotions have the final say in what you do and how you do it.

The reason these patterns exist? They feel safe.

But do not confuse this. They feel safe, but that does not mean they feel good.

Our brain prioritizes pattern. If we do a behavior (follow a rule, accomplish a goal, feel valued and heard) that leads to a feeling of safety and security, then we will start to associate those behaviors with being safe and secure.

But what happens when it is no longer serving us? Or when the behaviors become destructive or unhealthy for us?

We label it as a “bad habit" and we use it as permission to keep functioning in this pattern because “I have always struggled with it”.

Now let’s be curious. How might these patterns be trying to help us?

Our Unconscious Mind is Testing

The pattern has repeated to the point where it feels kind of annoying.

“Why do I keep doing this?!” you ask your therapist.

Perhaps this pattern and lesson is repeated because each time you learn something new. Your unconscious mind knows that there is something “not quite right” about the ways you have always done things but your logical mind has not yet decided to change it 100%.

Each time you find yourself back in the pattern, turn to a gentle curiosity. Ask yourself:

How is this time different from last?
What perspective do I have now that I past me would be surprised by?
Where have I felt this emotion before?
What am I testing?
What am I trying to protect?
How can I show myself radical compassion in the midst of my frustration?
How can I shift from judgement to oppenness?

When we give ourselves the freedom to learn and truly grow, we make space for all that comes with that. We are open to the possibility that while the pattern may be the same, perhaps the understanding on the other side may be new. Incrementally, we review the pattern, taking away new insights and inspirations for our growth each time.

Eventually, we will find ourselves in the position to resume the pattern or turn into a new direction and try something new…

with the confidence that we are, in fact, safe.